17 years Clean & Sober and living with A.D.D – Ian Dadds.

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17 years Clean & Sober and living with A.D.D – Ian Dadds.

This week’s conversation is HEAVY!

Drink, drugs, domestic abuse, brushes with the law, life in the army… You name it, we talked about it. We also then talked about life out the other side and what the future holds. Will be available on my YouTube channel later this afternoon.

foreign good evening everybody Welcome along it is Inspire and be inspired your weekly motivational conversation uh occasional life hack thrown in tonight we are talking to a young gentleman by the name of Ian dads he’s going to be telling us about his 17 years clean and sober uh his journey of self-discovery and how along the way he is learning to deal with ADD I’ll bring in onto the screen in a little while let me just address one or two people that are with us live please feel free to say hello I will be doing my very best to address your comments uh put any questions to Ian along the way during this conversation and I’ll also say the same to people who come back and check out the recording kicking off tonight I want to say hi to Angela uh hi to Mr Partridge shout out to Mr McCormack and Damien Charles says I am here Ian um so again as we progress I will say hi to one or two of you uh I could sit here rambling all evening but I think the best thing for me to do is bring on my guest and say good evening Mr Dad how are you my friend I’m I’m bearing up at the moment thank you Andy thank you fair enough good good well thank you for giving me your time today uh we need to uh just put into context what’s going on for you at the moment uh when we get this underway because uh we did have a conversation earlier that you may not have been able to join us you’re having um a few issues uh with your mum at the moment you just want to put that into context for us yeah and it’ll be good to do that because I can also put a disclaimer out there as well Andy so um my mum at the moment is um incredibly unwell she’s in hospital um she’s in heart failure which means in turn means she’s got bad circulation and that bad circulation in turn is limiting her Mobility because of uh the fluid retention uh because of the circulation and in turn um Thursday she had a full Friday uh sorry Saturday she had a full uh consequently she’s ended up in hospital um and um Saturday it was looking touch and go with her um it was she was coming to the end of her life um and at the moment she’s uh she’s bearing up she’s got a lot of color back she’s a little confused and disorientated um so consequently uh that’s affecting me uh with the worry and the love for my mum um and um so if I lose trying to fall at all um that’ll be why and I’m totally cool with all this and even if something comes up that I need to share some emotion with you Andy and it means that I might shed a tear I’m absolutely cool with that as well okay Matt well thank you very much and uh we’re getting lots of well wishes from uh the chat good evening angel how are you my love uh okay so let’s just get straight into this as you know uh anybody that may be joining us for the first time uh I’m a DJ Ian’s a DJ we’ve met through our love of music and the whole point of these conversations is for me to get to share uh the stories of some remarkable people and I consider to be incredibly remarkable 17 years clean and sober uh in the music industry is no mean feat as we get to the point where you decided that you needed to go down that route I think we need to start off and get a little bit of a um a backstory on yourself tell us about um life I mean you’ve seen my conversations you’ve seen my interviews we don’t have the time to get into your full life story but tell me uh about life for you growing up zero to twenty years of age kind of thing um so to try and condense it and get all the important bits in there as briefs you share as much as you want in as longer time as you want don’t say stuff like that to me I’ll rain don’t worry if I feel you rambling I’ll just interrupt you oh okay I can talk um so I’m the oldest of three children I was born and raised in South East London I come from what I’d consider to be a very loving caring family my mum and dad were together their whole life um they’ve done their absolute best for us um and I think that what happened and and I say some of this stuff with hindsight as well Andy because I didn’t I I don’t think that I would have necessarily been able to articulate or vocalize some of this stuff that I recognize now um in alignment with the time that I was growing up or you know the chronological um all all the at that particular time um so I think looking I’m pretty sure looking back uh as to say there’s three of us now if you speak to any three of us I’m sure that we’ve probably got three very different stories of the exact same family and household that we was brought after um what are the ideas differences so there’s two years between each of us I’m 51 um my other two brothers are he’s gonna be gonna be 48 and 46 in March so there’s there’s about two years between each of us um and I think the other thing is as well is what I’ve learned is that parenting when there’s a number of children within the house that the skills that I’ve learned as a parent and also that my parents would have learned some of the mistakes that they would have made with me we’re brought up by different parents at different times even though we’re brought up by the same parents um but I know for me as a young child I was quite a nervous frightened kid um and funny enough I was having a discussion with my mum a little while ago about some of the stuff that I can remember on the old occasion when I would hear them arguing which which wasn’t it wasn’t a regular occurrence um but I couldn’t just remember absolutely feeling terrified and the experience that I got from that is that everything that I loved every bit of security that I had in my world was about to be rips away from me and I can remember running upstairs grabbing over my pillow just getting underneath my bed and just grabbing hold of that pillow and and holding it and crying it crying it out absolutely petrified that my mum and dad’s relationship was gonna win the family was gonna spit up and this was the way that I viewed life this is this is all those events um and consequently that I think that that added to um uh the way that I viewed life in general and and with some of the stuff that I’ve learned that you know the development stages of a child is that they don’t uh we don’t develop the analytical part of our brain the rational thinking part of our brain uh until we’re about six or seven years old so the message that a child gets um from a quite an innocent argument or disagreement it can be very different to what’s actually happening to the way that they yeah to the way that they process it so let me let me ask at this point sorry you’re that’s right you have um you say a lot of this the information you’ve gleaned in hindsight do you want to tell us about one of the main uh contributing um doctors that you would have start researching to to give you this information because I think it’s important to get this up front right yeah yeah cool um so um I I came in to recovery itself got clean and sober out of necessity because my life was an absolute disaster um and I was across his point and I think that many people in order to create a a change within their life you know it could be done in two states it’s either done in a state of joy and we embrace it alternatively we wait for a crisis to turn up in our lives and for me I like to wait for a crisis to turn up so I came into recovery got clean and sober um I managed about 11 years I felt that there was just Sonic Mission and I was lacking things in my life and um and I went back and re-looked at the process that I was that I was employing and I felt there was a lot more that I could be doing and it was like a it just seems Looking Back Now it was a complete logical progression and and I started to um I wasn’t academic at school at all and um I’ve started to get into audio books and one of the authors that I came across was a guy called Gabon Meadow um which um I’ve been to a number of these lectures and I’ve read a few of his books and I watched a load of his lectures that were available on YouTube as well and various other places and some of the Instagram lives that he does okay so I just wanted to get that out at the beginning right yeah so I don’t want to make it feel like I’m skipping you forward before no carry on let me just ask you I think your sweatshirt is rustling against your microphone it’s quite sensitive okay so I’m getting quite a lot of so just uh try not to let your microphone move too much let me see if I can give me a moment Andy look no it’s fine just don’t let yeah you’re gonna go that way try that I’m not holding it in place but yeah that’s much better that’s perfect now so so go back and again at your own pace carry on back to your childhood sorry so um so yeah um I feel that I was probably quite nervous frightened child um and consequently as a response to that um I think I’ve learned and adopted some quite unhealthy coping mechanisms um and I suppose one of you know the area that I grew up in probably like a lot of us um it was a council state in South East London uh and it really wasn’t a place for the faint-hearted Andy it was you know you had to stick up for yourself or you was going to be eaten and taken advantage of because that’s the way things happen man you know especially that makes it worse now by the way is it really yeah yeah is it really should I try um try to find Mike no no no just just put it out as it was just try and be aware of when you’re moving around I’m sure people don’t mind we want to get the best experience you’re really cool just don’t let it wrestle against your sweatshirt all right cool we’re not we’re not on Panorama here no one cares it does help if people can hear what I’m saying though doesn’t it it’s not maybe it’s just me being fussy which is which is one of my Hang-Ups as you were as you were um so um I think that uh I felt that I probably uh yeah you were saying that the streets are quite mean you needed to take care of yourself and yeah and one of the things that I learned quite early on is that when I felt scared that aggression was a way of making some people um stand back from me um despite the fact that I felt absolutely terrified inside you know a lot of the time um I felt that I was constantly being judged I felt that I didn’t I I wasn’t good enough I felt um quite a lot of the time that there was going to be a sense of impending done within my life um also to become quite comedian as well that was another thing that you know if I felt frightened or scared was to to try and make people laugh so depending on who you was and I felt what the best course of action was going to be to get my way around that I would begin to overly compensate with with some of this stuff and then okay so your parents you heard the argument at home with your parents did they did that eventually lead to the breakup or no okay no that was together their whole lives but that passed away about 15 years ago um and I was both very loving caring parents and and and I don’t and what my mum said to me when we was having the conversation she said well I I never knew that and of course she didn’t because I think that if anyone knows that they’re imparting that onto their children you know it’s common sense when we sat out loud and we actually discuss it and talk about it um that you know we would find another alternative means of of discussion out of the way but then also you know it’s not just about um which a game I’ve since learned it’s not just about vocally physically what happens it’s about the environment itself you know the the the um the atmosphere within the environment you know did I actually feel safe even when those arguments wasn’t happening as I say wasn’t a regular occurrence was periodically every now and again you know as I say my mum and dad did their best um and you know one of the other things that um went to show my view of the world is you know they struggled financially um they’ve done their absolute best for us and put there was always food on the table always clean clothes wasn’t always the clothes that I wanted but there was always clean clothes there for us um and I was had it implanted in me that money is hard to come by and that again went on to shape my relationship with money as well um um and that had I think a a big influence funny enough I was watching have you ever heard of Bruce Lipton I’ve heard of him I don’t really know much I was watching um I was watching a an Instagram clip of him the other day popped up as I was aimlessly scrolling and um and he was talking about people that come from certain types of families and the financial um perception um that they grow up in and how that goes on to determine uh lack or not financially within their life and he was talking about some very stupid people because they come from a financially wealthy families that shapes their financial you know uh idea and the way that they uh see money and they go on to be very successful and again that you know since having got sober and continuing with my personal development um I’ve realized that you know what is the mark of success and what I used to class a success I now question you know because the thing is is that if someone gets a job that they’re earning sixty thousand pounds a year they have 2.4 children they’re married they go on two holidays they have a brand new car and they’ve got nice watches clothes etc etc um does that necessarily Mark someone as being successful in their life um and I’ve since realized that I don’t think it necessarily does I mean what our class is successful with someone being liberated and free from their own mental and emotional states and being governed by the environment that they’re in whether that be socially uh you know the peer groups you know financially whatever it is you know because I do know some people that are quite wealthy um and unhappy yes yes absolutely okay so so let’s let’s roll it back then to your early relationship and then I know are there any uh pivotal I use that word a lot are there any pivotal moments before you get into the military or is it because of your childhood that you felt you were forced into the military no so I mean i s what happened I was introduced to I mean I’ve had my first drink when I was about about 13 years old I suppose and I’ve done the same as a lot of what a lot of other kids done within the area with sniffing typix finners glue and puffing and alas because we live parallel lives you know cancel this date myself yeah exactly the same yeah yeah no listen it’s fine I know that normally when I laugh when someone’s sharing something it’s because I identify with and relate to what they’re saying look because um I necessarily find the um catastrophic damage that some people call similar that’s funny but it’s because I relate um so and what came with that is there was a I had a huge relief from self so when I talk about someone being successful in their life and I talk about that Liberation from someone’s thoughts or feelings that’s what I found with alcohol got relief temporary relief from that permanent state that I’d found myself in for the previous 13 years let me ask you though yep in hindsight the 50 year old Ian can quite um put you know put that into such eloquent words you clearly you couldn’t have been aware that was happening back at the time what what was what did what kind of stat and what did you think you were doing you’re just having a crack with the lads you know you didn’t really know what was going on back then right absolutely I mean you know the only reason I ever started smoking Andy because someone had a cigarette and they passed me a cigarette I was too scared to turn it away it was sitting over the park one day someone passed me a glue bag with EVO stick in it I just took it and started sniffing it because I was doing it I think it wasn’t a conscious thought that let me do that I’m going to find relief temporary relief from this state this emotional state that I find myself in most of the time um but obviously what the first time I did do it I thought [ __ ] that is good I’m gonna do that again you know after I come around or whatever it was stop being sick stop being sick down yourself yeah um and then obviously the progression of that you know I wasn’t certainly wasn’t drinking alcoholically or using uh drugs in an addictive way um from that moment on um but increasingly over the years um it did progress um my drinking a drug taking um and the acid outside kicked off in 1988 and I was lucky enough to have that land on my doorstep by promoter who put an all day or on up the road and then I was introduced to uh to LSD and ecstasy and you know like many of us I mean that was a really important exhilarating part of my life I mean I’ve you know I felt at that time that I was responsible for changing the world wholly by myself and it you know and I love it I love it I I did I mean it was it was a it was a real important time in my life and a little less score at 16 with no qualifications got myself into work and then in order to fund my drinking and Drug taking the way that I like to do it and that and it I started to get involved in petty crime and just before my 18th birthday I remember the old man earthquake having to come down and get me discharged from catford police station um after having my house searched for for drugs at the time he was a bit pissed off let me tell you um pissed off because you brought trouble to the door but okay so let me ask this question this way was he disappointed was he angry and disappointed to you or just pissed off that the police had come to the door because if it’s anything like half the people I knew he wasn’t so much bothered about what you were up to it was more the fact that you brought the old bill to the house so my dad as I get older I realized from what my mum tells me since he’s passed away because it’s been a big secret something that he’s never wanted to die involved my dad actually had a very colorful past I called into my mum from what she tells me everybody did back then yeah yeah and they’re um so the message that I got from my dad was that he was quite squeaky clean and and I honestly believed this until recently and he told these very open and Frank conversations that I’ve started having with my mum of late and as I’ve become more comfortable with myself and probably got a little bit more articular and a little bit more conscious of other people’s feelings and how I say things that I’m able to approach these um these conversations and and in turn when we’re able to do that I think the people that we’re talking to um can become more sincere and more vulnerable um which I think is probably one of our purposes in life um and so my perception is that it was quite squeaky clean so at the time um when it happened I felt that it was disappeared pointed in me because I was getting in trouble with a place and because I bought trouble to the house so it was a twofold disappointment which so you know if I’m gonna disappoint I might as well do it the best way I can okay so you got you got into the you got into the petty crime yeah so um he he came down get get me discharged from from the police station and um it it had a drink that night and we walked home and he gave me a right by looking um and his brother have been in the Army he’d gone in at National service so in in the 80s he was still in and he had worked his way up from a private to Major so he made a very successful career from it and I can probably in reflect and understand what my dad’s train of thought was behind his suggestion and the suggestion was have you ever thought about joining the Army son he said I think it will make a man of you right and then he went on to speak to uh speak to me about my Uncle Eric um and I think that he thought that if I could just get away from the people that I was hanging around with but some of these problems that had started to um surface within my life would no longer exist um but the main reason that these problems were beginning to surface in my life I don’t think were necessarily due fully to anyone else um they was I was responsible for a lot of the stuff that was happening um so um it was under duress I I remember going away and talking it over with some of my mates and saying yeah I’m thinking about joining the Army and like you know there’s a certain amount of bravado ego testosterone fueled at that age and and they’ll totally encourage me um just around the time of the um Iraq war right surely yeah before before the Iraq War yeah before the first Iraq war um and first Iraq War I was actually serving in paddable in in Germany um so I’ve done my training and I’ve gone to Battalion by then um but see this was another thing um another unhealthy cargo mechanism that I’d learned to do within my life that the truth is is that internally thought of me going to join the Army when I sat down and discussed it with people was one of terrific fear but what happened because of that ego and that bravado um once there was sort of like them I felt like there was probably this invisible line that once I’d had a certain amount of banter with something that now I can’t go back on it I’ve got to go and see it through and I’ve got to go and do it so I think it was probably but not probably it definitely internally on a personal level I joined the army and a duress it’s it’s certainly it certainly wasn’t something that I really wanted to do as a career at that age so just uh just because I didn’t get from that you mentioned about the acid house 88 so was it around this time 88 89 yeah um so it would have been I think 89 that I went and done the um the Army selection process went up to the careers office went up to Sutton coldfield under physical selection and then there’s a period um between having done all of that and waiting for your allocation to go to the training camp to to start that and um which is the same place that Mick McCormack went to that’s incredible yeah uh Mick McCormack listening is uh one of my friends I mean I’ll say on record Mick McCormick was not a glue sniffer he was not on the EVO stick he wasn’t sniffing the gas uh but we were razzing around certain coalfield like Tearaway 11 12 13 14 year olds so uh it’s nice to have you with us Mick uh a lot lots of love and fun memories with that gentlemen okay back to you Ian uh good evening Amy by the way thanks for passing through um yeah so the Army any did did you struggle in the army or did you find did you find yourself no I struggled I struggled I can I can remember right the first day well not the first day right and this is a good example of sort of you know what had been happening and what was going to continue to happen in my life I remember the day that my mum and dad took me up to the train station um for me to go and join the Army and at this point in their life this is probably the proudest moment in their life their oldest son is about to go and join the Army my dad is of the generation where mentioned really showed her emotions and he’s all suited and booted to take me up to the train station and he’s holding back the the you know the a bit of fair bit of Pride um you know he says exploding where he’s holding these emotions you know and going red and my mum was all dolled up in her best frock and and that stuff only ever happened for very special occasions Christmas parties and taking a son off to go and join the Army and I can remember and this is something I’ll talk about when um when I’m working with you know alcoholics and addicts and it within the field that I do is that I can remember standing on that platform with my mum and dad and my two brothers and the train coming in and it was the old trains with the old single doors on with the old brass handles do you remember them used to open them and I couldn’t see our our I’ve since learned the game so our brains right don’t know the difference between an actual event in our lives right and and a memory so there was a long time when I told this story right and it used to create or a perceived memory yeah absolutely and there’s studies to say that 50 of the stories that we retail are embellished and not absolutely true but you know they’re in alignment with the way that we want to believe them um when we real retell these things and as I say the scientific studies that about this up but this is the truth and it is the truth it’s the truth to me it’s the way I perceive it so it’s the truth um and I can remember opening that door and getting in and throwing my bag onto the luggage rack and turning around pulling the window down behind me and and me telling this story I I was for a long time it used to create the same emotional response in me as it did that day you know even years on um and imagine if that I’m able to do this with this story the effects the other events and scenarios can go on to shape our perception and understanding of the world around us especially if you look back at these development years from the age of you know zero to seven years old when we haven’t got the analytical part of the brain we’re in Theta brain State and you know that’s why they say fatal brain state is the same way that um hypnosis and meditation works you you you’re in a very suggestive state which is why we say that children uh are like sponges because they soak up everything within their environment and and even as adults as I say so when I um when I look back and was able to recollect this and and realize the same emotional response as if the day that it had happened as I say the devastating consequences negatively um that some of these stories that we tell ourselves can have upon the world that we live in but obviously by the same token this can be used in a very positive way as well once we begin to understand the way that our minds and the way that our bodies work and make chemical responses and actions that consequently happen so anyway back to the story so I pulled the window down I shut the door and the train pulled out and I stuck my head out the window and I can remember waving back to my mum and dad like this and I can remember thinking Ian what the [ __ ] are you doing right and even though I’d had consideration of what it was I was about to embark on suddenly in the cold light of day while I was on that train heading down to Winchester it really did hit home that I might end up with people firing guns at me or bombs or [ __ ] and I’m thinking what are you doing and and I can remember sitting on that train with my head in my hands um as an 18 year old I was probably at the emotional intelligence of a of a much younger teenager is the truth as well at that time in my life because I don’t think that I need I had that emotional development um Within Myself and sitting there within my head in my head thinking what are you doing and then I got up to Waterloo to make my connection and I’d done what I’d learned to do over the previous five years or whatever it was that I’ve been drinking and taking drugs and and I’ve got off that train and I walked into enough license in Waterloo train station I bought myself a few cans of beer I pinned one of them cans of beer open and this is what alcohol did for me this is what drugs did for me suddenly within one tin of lager my whole perception of the situation suddenly changed and I turned from a quivering trembling wreck into John Rambo in about 15 minutes I was I was like right I’m ready for this let’s go to war hello I’m kid you not I was like completely you know up for it within that moment um and as I say that’s what alcohol did for me was there um were you able to keep that going or through your training or or did was the regime quite strict oh it’s just it’s very very strict I mean you know it was uh it was British army training and you know I was in the Infantry and you know I think at that time in the 80s early 90s the point of you know that Army process was to try to break mentally and emotionally the ones that people you know eventually these people that are training you you might end up in a war zone standing next to one of their men and I think that them men that selection process is would I want this man next to me on a battlefield you know so the regime was was mentally physically emotionally exhausted um and um you know but as I say because of my nature and you know I think you posted something the other day about it um you know it’s it’s quite often misquoted isn’t it that you know Only the Strong Survivor and that’s that’s wrong it’s the most adaptable of the species that survive um and I think that you know with my sensitivity um growing up is that it made me incredibly adaptable to certain situations and and I learned how to fit in quickly and I learned to cope the best way that I could in that given moment um a lot of the times it was in a probably a problem it wasn’t in a loving caring nurturing way to myself it was probably in a very um quite a damaging way to myself and it I learned so you know I I grinned I paired it I’ve got on with it and a lot of the time it’s the truth that I I was frightened it was a friend so by the time by the time you finished your service did you serve the least amount of time or did you go further than you actually expected no no I served the I said I served less than my least amount of time because they asked that they asked me to leave I got banged up in Colchester for four months for uh well funny enough so this is really this is a whole nother like you know um live event this is but it the short version is we was I’ve come back to um England we’ve seen Winchester and um there was a guy from Yorkshire um I still don’t even know his name we used to call him Yorkie right you know typical Army nicknames that we used to get another guy I can’t remember his name and I said listen do you fancy driving up to London I said let’s go there was a nightmare I think it was mad on Mondays at Heaven um I said should we go out there can we because I was right into the Rave scene and um we drove up there and then we’d got up they got peeled up and we’d had this fantastic night and we were driving home and my mate Yorkie was driving and was driving around to Fargo square and I was I was trying to guide him to get him back towards the A3 or M3 wherever it was we was coming back and we needed to go down the mail tools back in the palace and there um so we’ve driven around to Ferguson square a couple of times missing it me being peeled up him not being very good at directions because he’s built up um and as we managed to get onto the road tools Buckingham Palace there’s a car behind and I honestly believe to this day that he’d never seen a police car without a a blue light on top and he’s going that car behind was flashing it’s flashiness it wants a race and I’ve looked from the back seat where I’m looking and I said no it was a plea it was a Metro without a light I said no it’s the old bill you need to pull over and he’s put his foot down and a a very short Chase is ensued and they’re um absolutely hilarious and they said they pulled us up they’ve come to the car they’ve opened the car door and they’re um as they’ve opened the car door in his door um compartment as they’ve opened the door they’ve heard a big rattle he’s got a big bloody army knife in the thing so obviously they’ve gone to town on the search of the thing everyone had dropped their pills and puff and everything in the car um and um consequently they arrested us and they added us over to the military police in Regents Park Barracks we eventually found our way back to Winchester and then we um we got taken for a blood test and although they couldn’t prove who the drugs came from just being positive um on on drugs is enough for a discharge and a criminal record in there so I’ve thought about in Colchester and I got asked to leave all right so I I need to kind of Reign this conversation in slightly because we’re getting way off of topic and yet it is the perfect context to uh give us uh you know a snapshot of the person that you are and this is what 20 years ago okay so tell us about how life progressed then in when you were back on Civic Street and and your rapid downhill you’re you decline so I I I came out um I mean then this is another thing that I think that um you know within that profession um but something needs to be looked at Andy you know what I mean and I a massive like advocate for it is that you know we’re teaching these kids you know you know I meet with cool neck he he was in the junior leaders he he would have join me he was 15 or 16 years old right we teach these kids to go and fight and to go and kill one and to be institutionalized right and to not act as an individual but acts as a body of man that’s the whole idea of the army you know to to act um together right and we teach these kids to do this stuff and then when we’re done with them we’re just release them you know and then the reintegration uh coming back into civilian life even within my short time within the army so God knows what it’s like for someone that served you know uh six nine twelve yeah yeah you know what what help is there for these people to do that and so when I came out of uh of the army I probably came out more mentally and emotionally damaged than when I’m winning um so one thing that began to happen a lot is me blacking out when I was drinking and I couldn’t have been introduced to cocaine I think the first time that I did it I didn’t really like it um but like most good addicts I persevered with it and they’re um good man okay I know I know but one of the things I did discover is that I didn’t black out quite as much when I drank it so um when you drank and then you had yeah yeah yeah you know so it seemed like the perfect solutions for my problem at the time um and then sort of you know there’s that period that most alcoholics anatics that can go through where you know there’s a lot of fun um and then it’s sort of like followed with not so much fun and then a whole heap of damaging consequences um and I suppose that I’ve reached the point where whenever I most of the times I would say not 80 at the time probably 60 40 60 of the time in the later years I’ve become dangerously anti-social um when I began to drink and take drugs I was unable to predict when that would happen um as in um volatile yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um I I met a girl we fell in love we got married um we had some kids and and I ripped that family apart from the inside out with my congregation capitalism um and I’ve done more damage to them kids um then yeah you know it was it was awful absolutely awful um that that didn’t work and then sort of you know that that I did and and with that self justification and rationalization um that added to my you know reason to carry on the way that I was because you know life’s not fair to me this was the way that I I viewed things um and consequently it reached about I went to I actually went to my first meeting right knowing that I had a drink problem in 1994. and um I was going to spend the next 11 years going in and out trying to get in recovery and the truth is again in reflection I didn’t understand this at the time um I didn’t really want to get sober throughout them 11 years actually what I wanted it is uh it was more of a demonstration to someone else in my life that I’m really sorry for what I’ve done you should be grateful for what I’m doing and you should get off my back that’s the truth and I wanted the consequences to to stop I didn’t want to listen I I felt I’ve thought for a long time that I really didn’t care what people thought or the way that they felt about me but um I since now know what a sensitive soul I am but that’s so far from the truth and because I do care so much what people think and the way that they feel about me because of the way that I was living and the things that I was doing um I found myself on this hamster wheel um I was completely unable to get off and the emotional or mental torture that went with it on the times that I’d wake up cyber and come to the realization of the Carnage that I caused you know in the days prior um would just create the only way that I knew how to deal with that um with my limited um information and resources that are available to me at that particular time is to was to start drinking again um you’re a very articulate person were you always so articulate you know were you always like were you always so would you Clash yourself as being intelligent because you come across as very intelligent well I I really was an academic at school right so I think that so he we might as well mention about add we’ll get there all in good time so look I think that you know what happens it’s right trying to I was an academic at school I used to zone out a lot right I used to daydream a lot I used to stare out the window and that was my way of dealing with things you you know someone’s even going to zone out if they’re suffering is made Ed um and this there’s a couple of responses right when someone’s suffering from stress within their life and all living organisms are designed to withstand short-term stress um and what happens within our bodies is that the you know invariably speaking when the stress hormones are activated you know which was essential to our Evolution as a species as human beings [Music] um that stress response was probably um created and a lot more efficient and effective when we was roaming around and there was saber-toothed tigers and stuff like that that we had to defend ourselves from it was rough where you brought up wasn’t it yeah yeah well you know um but obviously now we still have the same stress responses but the threats within our lives have very much changed and it’s you know Partners it’s jobs it’s work emails it’s you know social media Financial pressures social conditions um but they create the exact same social um stress responses and I mean what happens is that you know when that is activated within us um the chain reaction that happens is that the when we’re under that stress it’s not a time to think so the blood is pumped away from their neocortex which is our you know our rational thinking part of the brain because now it’s not a time to think it’s a time to act on impulse and an instinct um so we want to rely on those measures um there’s huge amounts of energy that are immobilized through the body cortisol and adrenaline a press through the body um blood is pushed away from the internal organs into our extremities and that’s in order to the fight or flight response now we’re either gonna prepare to run away right or fight and if we can’t do either of them we’re going to freeze right so ADD and ADHD and the same thing but different responses to the presence of stress yeah exactly so we’re going to become quite Proactive or we’re going to learn to zone out and that’s one of the things that I learned to zone out so in school I would find myself not you know it wasn’t a decision that I made it was a cosmic mechanism that I adopted that worked for me um I was very much a Daydreamer you know and I would say now so consequently I’m sure many of us that don’t even suffer from anything like this would you know as teenagers growing up um would have had a similar thing on our school reports very capable only if he applied himself in class more you know and I didn’t I I didn’t leave school with any academic qualifications um but since [Music] um I suppose getting sober and then wanting to educate myself about this stuff and I would have classed myself up to 17 years ago it was a quite an uneducated person but I’ve since found out that you know I I’m not I I can be if the topic is right I have a personal interest in it um that I am actually a very academic person and I have an absolutely with the right um oh what’s the word uh motivation with the right stimulus it’s absolutely absolutely absolutely and everything you liked in your life yeah yeah and and the thing is so what I’ve learned is is that I was looking for my audible um account earlier and not all of the books on there and I I think um from the last three years four years I think I’ve got about 75 books in there somewhere of the region of that and there’s a load more on there uh the vast majority of them are um personal development books let me stop you let me stop you forgive me yeah I want to say hi to Sarah and Dean who are watching um she’s saying that Dean Battersby totally relates to everything that you’re saying so I’m going to roll you back now I’m going to take you back to you before you got sober before we start talking about the books and the learning yeah let’s let’s talk about how you got to I guess you must have got to Rock Bottom to realize that things needed to change yeah so listen I’m going to be incredibly Frank and honest right so one of the things right A lot of people say to me now I can’t imagine you like that because they a lot of people that I know now only know the sobering so when I talk about me becoming dangerously anti-social um is one of the behaviors that I demonstrate within my intimate relationships is that I’ll become a complete emotional mental and physical bully within those relationships and um where I grew up my dad never laid his hand on my butt ever right and where I grew up anyone that done anything like that was a was a complete Runner right and they deserved to absolutely get weighed in right and get their comeuppance and I accept full responsibility right for the actions that are carried out and and I’m not being I’m certainly not being dismissive about any of this stuff or or blase um and there’s not many regrets that I have in life Andy right because one thing that I’ve learned is that every path that I’ve taken has been absolutely essential to getting me where I am now um one of the regrets that I do have is um violence within my relationships right towards my partner and um and what happened was is that this time when I came into recovery I woke up in a police cell not knowing why I was there um and I run the buzzer let me out for a [ __ ] um I said you’re going in for an interview and they took me in for the interview and I’ve done it again I’ve beaten up my girlfriend and I’m beating up one of her mates and I knew that that girl as my wife did absolutely loved me right and I can remember breaking down in the interview thinking I just cannot carry on living my life like this and I can remember getting taken back to the police cell and that door being shut behind me and I can remember having what some people describe in recovery is a Moment of clarity and what that was is that it had nothing to do with my mum my dad my brothers the Army the things that I’ve been exposed to in the Army um Mike’s wife none of those things were responsible for the way that I was acting in that moment and I knew that the buck stopped with me and I knew that if I didn’t stop doing this stuff I was going to end up dead because I was I honestly believed that I would emotionally and mentally I was at a point where I was already dying inside um and um and I came back I came back to London because that happened in King’s Lynn and quite rightly the girl got an injunction out against me and um and I came back to London and um and I got in contact with one of my good pals who had been cyber for a couple of years at that point and and another thing right is that around where I lived right I don’t say this in some blase way I’ve never actually sat there and counted it there must be probably 20 30 people that I used to have it with that have all ended up in recovery um there’s a fair few that have lost their lives along the way um there’s probably a fair few that are still out there at it that probably need recovery in their lives as well um and I came back and and I said look I need your old time and um and he helped me get back into the meetings and I remember going back into honor and dad’s house and my mum and dad knew what I’d become and fortunately and and this is why you know that bond with my both my parents they never ever turned their back on me I’ll put uh I smashed up their houses I put Paving slabs through their front door windows I treated them absolutely despicable and they never turned the back of me I can remember knocking on that door um I run my mum for the Kingsley and she said come back and there’s a knocked on that door and my dad absolutely disgusted he couldn’t look at me in the eye when he he let me back into the house um and um I just had a bin back with some closing it’s all right um and and that was the turning point in my in my life that that was that was your Rock Bottom uh so but but just to just to mention as well Andy is that you know that event in itself had happened quite a few times in my life right so that wasn’t that wasn’t the first time that happened I I ended up in police cells covered in blood right not necessarily my partners but waking up in a placehold not knowing why I’m there thinking what have I done this time right um and that was you know it happened to me a number of times so I think that what happened is on that offense something different inside me happened something mentally something clicked emotionally spiritually whatever the term is you want to call it um and something snap that grabbed all of my attention and made me look at the event from an entirely different angle probably for the first honest time in my life okay so that was I’m just doing some very quick maths there I’d say 2005 then yes 2005. June the Third 2005. um the so you you’d already experienced recovery before as you say over like a 10-year period in an hour yeah well I mean I’d say experience recovery as I say I mean I wasn’t there to give myself to you know I wasn’t there in a in a committed sense of the word I was there as I say to as a demonstration to someone else in my life look yeah I’m really sorry for what I’ve done I’m really sorry for the chance yeah yeah yeah yeah um so uh good evening James thanks for commenting I did see you join us earlier he says a great conversation uh massive um massive praise for Ian for opening himself up to us um the recovery I mean how much do we want to talk about the recovery because there’s still a lot of this conversation that we want to get I’m really Keen for you to impart a lot of the wisdom that you’ve gleaned so maybe if we touch very briefly on the recovery and then we start talking about um you know the research and a lot of the things that you’ve learned and and how that’s made you reflects on your life to to become the person that you are now yes so I mean recovery itself is without a doubt the most important significant event that’s happened in my life without a doubt um I learned the ability to turn one of my biggest problems into one of my biggest assets and I know that we had a short discussion over messenger a couple of weeks ago which I think prompted this out uh this this this invitation and you know a lot of money Ian was the one who accused me of being uh having add I I accuse everyone [Laughter] I think you’re very um from what I know of you and um you know we’re not the closest of people um I know that you’re very meticulous and you’re very precise and um you like things done in a certain way and you come across quite controlling as well like [Laughter] and I think that you know look when I um when I come across some of this material and he’s that I didn’t start reading it thinking that I had any of this stuff this as I’ve come into recovery and I’ve um continued to develop my um my question self-discovery or personal development or Enlightenment whatever the phrases that’s most palatable for the individual is the one that I always you know owes them to use um and and as I’ve sort of you know embarked a a upon that um I’ve sort of gained this understanding that the more that I begin to understand myself the more useful I become to most other people you know because um I still can be quite sensitive at times um and take things personally but a lot of the time I also it gives me the understanding that you know yeah we shouldn’t take things as personally as we do and and sometimes you know the most minor disagreement or or or or or um opinion that opposes mine um can become so important to me within that precise moment right and absolutely rule me and Rule My Life um and and the more that I understand this stuff about myself the more as I say the more useful I think I can become to other people in in in in in understanding them and you know so the more the more you understand the triggers the more you understand your response and you more you understand how to combat that it gives you the uh the toolbox to be able to see light in a diff life in a different way right and yeah to approach different you’re a completely different person so how long ago was it I came and you kindly picked me up from the airport we went for lunch and whatever how many years ago was that 10 years I think I don’t know I think that was the beat players party wasn’t it yeah ten years I don’t know yeah you were completely not completely you were sober then but you are a more you’re more I don’t know a deeper person there than you were back then would you agree that you’ve changed in the last few years yeah definitely definitely you know and I think I I mean I think for me uh on an individual level is that see if I don’t um I don’t mean this in some resentful laborious way right that what I mean in a very liberating freeing way right that the more that I discover the more freedom that I’m able to find for myself right and the attachment to my emotional mental States um and other peoples um the more freedom that I find within that the more it persuades me and encourages me and inspires me um to want to continue on that Journey because I think that you know 17 and a half years clean and sober if this is what I’ve been able to achieve within that time and uh you know and as you’ve just said you know within the last 10 years you know you you recognize a noticeable change and internally mentally and emotionally Within Myself I probably recognize it more than you do and the thing is so if I if I’ve been able to achieve this within that amount of time if I continue chipping away chopping the wood carrying the water what else can I achieve what what’s the next level of Freedom that I’m able to achieve that that’s your motivation okay so I’m going to take you back to recovery um I want to take you back to your your learnings your lessons um but during recovery um so one question I’ll ask are you comfortable now that you’re confident that you’re never ever um you know go back and touch a drop of drugs or alcohol um so look I mean there’s right now my decision to stay cyber is from a lifetime but the amount of time that I’ve spent in recovery um I’ve seen better men than me that have veered off of the path um does that does that scare you no you’re not scared it doesn’t scare me because I know that as long as I employ the formula and I continue to develop myself on a personal level with that first for you know wanting to call out the um my own [ __ ] within my own life um as long as I continue on that path I’ve got absolutely no doubt that I’ll be able to say sober the key is is being being able to stay on that path you know and the thing is is like you listen I don’t equate myself to um but this is someone that I had I heard this inspirational guy speaking I was actually away on a retreat and um and he was talking about you know days when we don’t quite feel like it and what he said was his do you think there was days where Mother Teresa didn’t quite feel like it do you think there was Dave when Nelson Mandela didn’t feel like you know and the thing is is they was inspired enough to get on get up keep chopping the wood carrying the water so if those people can do it on on that level we’re no different then people are no different to us and some days are better than others and some days it’s just putting One Foot In Front of the other some days it’s just me recognizing and accepting and acknowledging the way that I feel it and and I’m human I I don’t feel 100 100 of the time so and it’s the acceptance around that stuff and and the realization of it okay so the majority of our conversation has been very uh very deep and very gripping surrounding um you know the the journey that you took and then along the way I wanted to mention early on um the the work of Gabor Marte and and you saying that you’ve been and seen him a few times and uh read a lot of these books you you prompted me to read scattered Minds uh one of his books and uh I thought yeah okay no problem I got the audio book I listened to it as soon as I finished it I promptly sent you a message and said no I’m not add I definitely see some of the traits in there that would bring you to that conclusion uh but you know being on that journey of self-discovery myself I just chuckled and I thanked you because it helped me to understand people that I know who are um I I and actually you you may be able to put me right because Gabon Marta said you either say you don’t address them as people who are who have ADD because the language is very very clever what he uses um but anyway I’m rambling on it’s helped me to understand some of my friends who also have some of those traits and it’s also enabled me to reach out to other friends and say you should read this book I think it might Enlighten you so tell us about what you uh what you learned from gabul Marta and and if anyone doesn’t know him you know about exactly what it is that he does so um he’s probably um certainly in my view I don’t know whether the world would agree with me um he’s probably one of the world’s leading authorities on trauma drug addiction add HD another Associated and what the rest of the medical profession May uh um classify as diseases um the significance of what catches um my attention from him is his own personal experience and he was a Jew brought up in Hungary um and he talks about his uh his mum and dad of the invasion of the Nazis and he was taking along to be um evacuated I think byzant and Uncle um and obviously as we sit here and discuss this we can as adults in reflection we can see that his parents would carry out carrying out an act right to ensure the safety of baby Gabor um the the message that he got from there was that he was being thrown away and abandoned as a three-year-old and consequently um that trauma um led to him learning a lot of these unhealthy coping mechanisms and um I think that primarily um something that we was talking about earlier which is stopped me um be you know in case I didn’t mention it later on is that some of these coping mechanisms that we learn um you know ADD ADHD drug addiction alcoholism shopping gambling sex uh gym work um people demonstrate these behaviors within their life as a temporary um act to relieve themselves um from some of the mental and emotional states that they find ourselves in and I know with gabal meta he had a big um he had massive abandonment issues um he talks openly about his relationship with food he talks about his shopping um addiction as well it was uh it was working um as a doctor um uh in a are thinking it must have been in a maternity hospital water whatever you call it uh and he actually left a patient on giving birth so that he could run down to the I his localization fee because he moved from Hungary over to Canada uh he left the patient on the table with the nurses while he ran down to their equivalent of HMV to get the latest release of some classical CD that had been released um be in for the need to fulfill that addiction within himself which he let’s skip past let’s skip past his actual story because people can uh you know read it yeah but I want you to to nail on some of the things that made you realize um to look and say okay so the ADD and because he’s his teachings are very um they’re very important and everybody would do really well to read up on them because it does tell us a lot about our childhood as you say about the triggers about the traumas that we suffer and you say the the young child is is a nice very narcissistic they believe the whole what evolves around them and everything that happens is due to them right yeah so yeah that’s the path that you were saying yeah um and I mean the reason I’m just to skip back to that I won’t go on a pair but the reason the significance is because of Gables I’m personal experience and he’s um positioned within the field um gives him a unique standing in my eyes because he openly disclosures this stuff about him and I think that there’s a lot of people that you know perhaps get into that field that don’t relate their own personal experience so for me it carries a lot more depth and weight with some of the things that he that he speaks about so um and as I say when I start to pick up on his material I mean um uh I can’t remember exactly which one it was um which book it was I I picked up one of his books um and this is one of the books that are contained within my audible Library um and you know some of the majority of the books on there are what I would consider to be textbooks and this is all the stuff that I’ve learned um so I’m not insulting anyone’s intelligence but you know it’s stuff that I didn’t necessarily know so um I would consider a lot of the books that I have in there as textbooks um and obviously the idea of a textbook is to transfer the knowledge of from the author to the reader and and they’re to be used in my opinion totally different to a novel a textbook is to be studied and understood um and that’s what I try to do with these more um uh with with these personal self-development books that I go into um so as I start to pick up on his um uh he’s uh pick up on his works yeah exactly exactly pick up on his material um and as I started to read um you know more particularly the stuff about oedd um our responses and our Coke and mechanisms that some of us may employ it just began to drive home on another level something that I hadn’t even entertained within the recovery sense and I’ve really relate it and I really begin began to understand and directly relate back to my life um and it made perfect sense to me some of the coping mechanisms that I began to demonstrate and a lot of many people will demonstrate um and as a result of that SM propelled me to go on and look at some of the other things that he discusses and do other research and and I honestly believe um that you know it’s but it’s not I would what’s that guy’s name that you like there’s diary of the CEO CEO Stephen Stephen Bartlett Stephen Bartley he’d done a conversation with dinner um and it Stephen Bartlett quoted on that um on that interview with him which is taken from gabbo’s book that in the 1990s in America there was one in 20 children diagnosed with ADD um and now in today it’s one in nine children right that are diagnosed with ADD so it probably means one of two things number one we’ve got better at diagnosing it or number two something within Society has changed massively now within that time scale that’s not enough time for genes to change in The evolutionary process it takes generations and generations for genes to change and I honestly think it’s because of the stress and stress and the trauma that people have begun to encounter with the way that a life changed and if we go back just a couple of hundred years um when we look uh you know um I think that the way that people’s roles have changed within lives um what’s expected um what is classic as successful how a lot of people must strive and Achieve that success within their life and if we go back to you know after you know just before the second World War yes women should be allowed to work if they want to work of course they would but I’m I’m saying about the family family the family the family you’re protecting yourself here a disclaimer absolutely but I’m talking about how much the family unit has changed since after the second world war and even in my lifetime right so predominantly as a general rule of thumb the wife generally stayed at home she created a caring loving nurturing environment the best way that she knew how to bring up and develop the children that she’s been given and put in charge of when you came to visit my house 10 years ago Andy um where I lived if I look up and down that road right the majority of the houses within that road now with two parents right five parents worked right so just the family unit has changed in that sense alone that most parents as a necessity need to work in order to provide um a decent standard of living uh for that for that family now if we go back before that I think traditionally as the the family unit we would look at that there was for a long long time um children would be born whole families would live in a whole house you would have grandparents parents children living in that and then if we go back before that um to sort of you know tradition culture tribes you know the kids would be born the child birth would be charged to the younger women within that tribe in that Clan within that Community um and then when that child was born it could be handed over to the elders within that Community who have learned a certain amount of wisdom um within uh within their life right and that child’s feet wouldn’t touch the floor for the first two years be nurtured it would be loved it would be 100 percent devoted to and four right so as we look back I think for me with some of the stuff that Gable Meto has raised and I begin to understand this the change Within Society the change within communities listen even growing up right when I when I grew up in South East London all the way around the gardens the back Gardens right they used to have these little Picket Fences right around and I can remember my mum as a child shouting out down the road to neighbor six seven doors down hang in the washing out you’re at Maureen blah blah blah all of this stuff and there was a real deep sense of community where where I was raised right and where I live now and as I look out onto you you know most of the backgrounds where I overlooked they’ve all got six foot fences around them right not all of the neighbors know each other right okay I’m go I’m gonna put a pause in this conversation right just let me say one thing Wendy’s uh watching good evening Wendy I got my plenty of making notes she says trauma and addiction it’s hyped sometimes to tell the difference because you you get both the same presentation um so thank you for that Wendy I’m gonna stop you going down the the social commentary uh route because uh you know that that we’re aware of the change of society I want to focus on your your own personal story now and some of the ways that you’ve um that again coming back to what I said before the the the reading the material that you’ve taken on from Gabor Marte some of the most mind-blowing things that you’ve read that you’ve had that aha moment along the line of self-development uh and beginning to love yourself I’m assuming you forgive yourself now right yes yes and and that’s something that I need to continue to to work at within certain areas of my life I mean lastly as a whole um um relatively probably 80 90 happy with who I’ve become um with the person that I am um with the compassion understanding that I’m able to um demonstrate towards uh people in general um and um I think that one of the haha aha moments um which was it Wendy who just said about trauma and addiction and this is something in Cabo Mata I said he’s not everyone that suffers trauma will become an addict or an alcoholic but all addicts and our colleagues will have suffered some trauma within their lives and the thing is is that and this was the moment for me is that what is a trauma the trauma’s not an external event a trauma is an internal event it’s an internal event to an external it’s an internal response to an external event and the thing is is that we could sit here and we could make a spectrum a graph of what trauma might look like and starting at one end with maybe the single parent who gets a parking ticket um who can’t afford to pay it or they’re wondering how they’re going to feed their kids this week where that money is going to come from um or whatever the case may be to the other end to seeing you know some poor child watch their whole family wiped out machine gunned out and this is not you know I’ve certainly of course it’s not a competition but within those two ends of that spectrum and from one end to the other the trauma the event that actually happens internally to each individual is pretty much the same event so it’s understanding that that it doesn’t you know regardless of of for me it helped me understand the level it had nothing to do with my mum and dad it wasn’t that they wasn’t to blame it was my perception and understanding and my response to some of the things that had happened within my life and these things that happen within my life um which I began to develop these rather unhealthy coping mechanisms well my ways of coping with this stuff um and I was saying to you and is that early on coming back from the hospital today um I’m feeling a little bit of stress a little bit of pressure and I can clean it in the back of my neck I can feel it across my shoulders feeling it in the base of my back and my hips and my knees and it’s stressed it’s chemical response to something that’s happening in my life but I know that Pride’s coming into recovery this is something sober that I felt most of the time no wonder I used to drink and take drugs no wonder um you know before I found different drugs I used to find this way of of of zoning out of you know being able to detach myself from what was going on around me at school when I you know when I was when I didn’t want to engage it was my coping mechanism you know again you know it’s one of them things at school for me um you know I I would never want to get picked on like by the teacher I would never want to get asked a question and I don’t think that thing is exclusive to children with ADD but I think it’s probably exaggerated um I can remember sitting there absolutely petrified please don’t ask me a question please don’t ask me a question even if I know the answer I’ll still question myself um convinced that I’d still get it wrong you know there was no level of of confidence confidence or knowingness um within me and and I and I would do my best to avoid you know some of that stuff that all costs whether it be you know trying to get removed from the class or okay yeah so um with the with the recovery uh I I’ve had one or two people contact me in the past who have um been in recovery and they’ve reached out to apologize to me for certain things that have happened that they saw as quite momentous um moments in their in their Journey than and and I I I’m uh since to understand that’s something that a lot of people get um asked to do to to go back and and put things right that they believe um they’ve done wrong you know when they were on that uh that destructive Road did you ever reach back to some of your ex-partners what’s your so I guess the question is what’s your relationship with like your with the daughter’s uh mums and did you ever reach out to any exes that you felt that you wronged and how were you received so um so Mike’s wife yes um I put my hand out to her um so look I mean the purpose of it for me and the way that I understand it is is that if I want to walk this uh a free man or as free as I can get I can’t afford to be suppressing depression right emotions worried about some of the things that I’ve done in the past coming back to haunt me and I have to do my utmost to be able to put this stuff right to the degree that I can now some people um so for instance the girl I ended up that I got arrested for that brought me into recovery this time someone I’ve not seen for years would it have been right for me and so for me it’s about motives and understanding this wouldn’t it have been right for me after not being not having been in their life them having gone through some recovery process and rebuilding themselves yeah would it then be right for me to turn up out of the blue knocking on the door with a declaration I want to put things right under those circumstances I think I probably could have done more damage than harm um I did Reach Out privately and that was declined and but I’ve done my utmost and the thing is as I say so for me it’s about motives so if I put my hand out someone doesn’t want to accept my sincere desire to set such matters straight then I need to accept that because that’s their decision it’s not an opportunity for me to climb my conscience it’s an opportunity for me to set them matters straight with them um so my ex-wife I’ve done my best to put things right there um as you can imagine things are still a little bit fractured um and with regards to my two my two children that that repair process even 17 years on um is still still effective it’s still it’s still happening because um and what I mean by that is you know this continued personal development and understanding um is that the more that I understand this stuff about myself and the more I can see um some of the struggles in other people um and that probably makes me a little bit more compassionate and understanding towards other people’s needs um also some of the struggles that they might encounter that they go through um individually within their lives not just you know but all all of my children um you know it’s not what I’ve learned is it’s not the question of giving but the timing in which to give you know um and I’m not on about necessarily making amends here but I’m I’m about offering advice offering a solution because another thing that I’ve learned um through these textbooks um through my quest is that I think for me certainly listening is a skill that I’d lost so most of the times when I was having conversations with people I was either thinking of a way to fix their problem if they was telling me an issue or something they’re going on within their life or I was thinking about the response you know the reply that I was you know to actually consciously give myself to that moment to that person on on an intimate level something I certainly lost within my life so you know for to understand that and then to watch my children develop go through some of them struggles um while doing my best to employ some of the things that I’ve learned um is to give them that time and space not offer my solution not Ram it down their throat uh and try and wait for the timing to be right before I do any of that stuff and invariably um I think the the best moment is is when someone comes to Simply ask for advice or a little bit of help or a little bit of unsure and the thing is what I try to sell to all of my children and you know the older two from the ex-wife that damage was done earlier on consequently I became extremely strange to my children for about five years I I didn’t see them and I’ve convinced myself that they was better off without me because of the way that I was living um and then um my children that I have now is that what I want to become and to all all of my children the ones prior as well is that the type of parent I want to come and this is what I try to get across to them is that yes I’m a parent right but I want to build a nurturing loving caring relationship with you that if you ever find yourself in trouble I want you to be [ __ ] I need my dad I need to ring my dad I don’t want that first thought to be [ __ ] I can’t ring my dad which is the um yeah absolutely absolutely so it’s it’s trying to take this stuff that I learned and continue to develop because like you know it you know I’ve been through that time within the last 17 years when I’ve done my best to change people around me as well Andy and then you know again when I bring it back to myself and I realize in some areas of my own life how difficult it can be for me to change what chance have I got of trying to change that for people that’s not trying to be that’s not stop me from trying in the past though let me tell you I think I think you you’d be uh you’d be surprised you know as you’ve said before you being so uh inspired by Gabor Marte Gabor mate however you pronounce it because he’s he’s walk the walk you know he’s uh you you laid some weight on his words because of the experiences that that he has in life yeah someone’s sitting listening to your story cannot how but think oh my God this bloke knows his [ __ ] he’s been through hell and back and look where he’s at now if anyone can help me then it’s going to be Ian dad’s do you know what I mean that that’s the first thing I would think surely yeah I mean of course and that’s the um that’s the significance I think of of of people like gamble or Mata right is that because of their own direct personal experience me personally being able to relate to their own so we we bring it from that textbook scientific you know level to this guy right is happy to disclose his own experience one of the things that he talks about he talks about he’s been in bed with his wife about 50 years old and his wife rejected him and refused sex with him and he said that he found himself turning over in a fatality position sulking like a three-year-old child and he asked him and and and I can relate to that stuff Andy not necessarily that I’m listening uh Wendy’s just asking about the book I’m just going to type it out for her carry on talking I am listening let me there’s um it’s called scattered Minds there’s another one called the body says now uh sorry the body says no um which is on um diseases um there’s another one called Uh Hungry Ghost which is about addiction and there’s another one and the name eludes me right now but they’re all by Kevo mate there’s a lot of these lectures that are available um on YouTube as well some absolutely magnificent stuff um so we were talking about he was in the future position his wife rejected him and it immediately brought back no it was I don’t think it was his wife he was being um he was in this uh say a therapy session and he was regressing into a therapy session and it brought back he started crying memories of when he was young I think that’s that no that’s what you’re recounting yeah the the event was is that happen in bed with his wife after being refused sex and nearly it big and and this is the significance because he’s adopted and employed the formula right in which he talks about it being necessary in the treatment of the understanding of some of the trauma that we may have experienced right regardless of our healthy a family we feel that we’ve been brought up in right um there would be some unhealthy stuff which we experience and I he’s spoken about this I’ve spoken to people about it and people that maintain that they’ve come from a look very loving caring family and there was one girl in particular that was bullied at school as a teenager um spoke about who did you talk to about it I didn’t talk to anyone how did that make you feel as a teenager not being able to trust anyone enough to be able to share that stuff it’s a it’s a form of you know I’m not saying that that is a trauma but that goes on to begin to develop a sense of of uh of environment who we can and who we can’t trust it goes on to the shape our intimate relationships the way that we viewed the world what we can disclose what we can’t disclose um you know um and um so and and what happened is traced that back and to that time when he you know the rejection and abandonment that he felt as a three-year-old standing on that train station that day when he was being given to his aunt and uncle for the evacuation process as the Nazis invaded Hungary it’s crazy we I had a conversation um with with a lady I think it was earlier this year uh Nicolette and she she was also um a student of Gabor Martinez and she was uh talking about a few of these situations as well and um it was really quite enlightening I listened back to one of the conversations uh and it’s just so you know these things it just blows as you say everyone can gleam something from it right whether you you from a healthy because we all have our baggage we’ve all got our issues yeah thank you I don’t care who you are we’ve all we’ve all got our issues and when you understand where these come from are you still with me you’re losing power the battery life’s not there so it’s all good well listen I’m going to start to wrap this up now anyway because we are we are uh otherwise we’ll end up sitting here talking all evening as fascinating as it is so we we got your we got used incredible story of your road um into drinking drugs we’ve got you incredible story about the recovery we touched on the recovery story and then we we touched about how you understood about your add um and how you’ve been able to deal with it um and Wendy says the body holds the score I think that man that’s a great book title of one of the books um yeah yeah so if we’re going to start wrapping this up Ian tell me what life looks like for you now apart from this precise moment with the worry of your mum uh over you what it what is your current journey of Enlightenment where are you at um so at the moment privately I’ve got some other stuff going on um personal circumstances um and one thing that I’ve learned along the way is that look I I’m not a religious person right one thing that I do believe in is that there is some power out there that underlies the rhythm of the universe I just I just can’t believe that we’ve ended up here by accident out of a big bang out of nothing there has got to be some sort of intelligent create creativity behind it all um and should extend that you know I think that quantum physics goes to proof some of that as well you know when you’ve got people like Einstein Max Planck um some of the great physicists that talk about it won’t start reeling their work stuff whatever you do no no just to quote I’m really really really quickly is that you you know is the more that they understand about quantum physics the more that they found it unable to deny that there was a an intelligence at work that underlie everything and that is what the power that I believe in and I facilitate some meditation workshops as well which I’ve done for the last few years privately um and to the extent where there’s even agnostic um meditation courses and places that have popped up now because they too believe in the quantum physics that power that invisible filled the unifying field that combines everything together um and and that power I know exists and runs through my life and I’m not trying to convince anyone else right it’s on a completely personal level with a sense of knowingness that no one can ever take this away from them and with the personal circumstances I’m going through at the moment right there’s not an event even when I was at the height of my drug addiction and alcoholism Andy that when I’ve entered the event here and it feels at times that my life has been falling apart and everything that I love and everything if I work for is beginning to slip away from me right and by the time I come out of the other side of it I let time’s going between might be different and there’s a lot of different events to happen without exception I have never ever come out of the other side worse off than when I started and my sense of Journey is to continue to develop a stronger faith and understanding in that everything happens in life for an absolute reason even though I can’t make direct sense of it or that particular moment um to continue to trust the process of life and that intelligence has got a greater purpose for me I don’t think there’s any better way for me to say thank you uh and to end what I was going to say was I don’t think there’s any better way for me to end than to just say thank you because you just sum that up perfectly you you you cut the end of the conversation nailed it with that quote uh you know if I was a if I was going to I would edit that act sticking at the friends and say this man’s got some Tails uh do you do you feel do you feel that you’ve you’ve got everything across that you wanted to because I think you did absolutely not no way which just scratched the surface sounding well we’re definitely would definitely get you back on um so Wendy was talking about pillar Pilates and meditation it’s very good for trauma Collette uh he’s saying uh collect Kemp says trust the process and she’s gutted that she missed it uh Colette uh this will be available in its entirety on YouTube um I will be putting a snippet up if you go to youtube.com forward slash DJ Andy Ward stick around and I’ll give you some more information um so yeah we’ve had people bouncing in and out live with us living messages um saying hello and I know they’re all going to come back and leave some comments for you so Ian uh let me just say again thank you so much for your time I hope things uh get better for your mum you know you say things are looking well for her um I’m just going to say a few words to everybody and start wrapping this up so thank you my friend truly thank you very much for being so open so Frank and um sharing your wisdom with us thank you for inviting me off I thoroughly enjoyed it Andy and also like big props to you for what you’re doing with you know I think this is this is massive what you’re doing you know if if what you do I’m not on about me I’m all about you generally with the topics that you cover touches some one person in one way that you we begin to start that you begin to you know promote that change for them to question because it all starts with that question it’s like massive what you’re doing and and I know you’re devoted and committed to it so like well well done to you Andy thank you thank you thank you very much for saying so I’ll uh I’ll address a few words on that uh right now I’m going to press this button it’s going to kick you off cheers man I’ll talk to you tomorrow bye-bye ah wonderful um deep right very deep I enjoyed talking to him let me just uh he’s still got him on there I’ll press loads of buttons and all of my meetings and everything was supposed to finish and they didn’t but he’s gone now um yeah so Colette was saying I’m gutted that I missed it uh you can find me on YouTube I’m if you’re not aware Colette youtube.com forward slash DJ Andy Ward I’ve got a wealth of um interviews very much along those low along those lines not as deep as that but uh just as interesting and um please do continue to comment on any videos that you see uh Sarah says to Ian who will be checking out the recording thank you for your honesty it’s a really interesting talk Michelle has been watching it thank you my love in the other room she says thank you Ian for being so open and Wendy also says Happy New Year to everyone and uh yeah Wendy is loving the deepness uh Ian actually is one of the support members are on our 100th day of no alcohol challenge we began yesterday on New Year’s Day and there’s 53 people who are actually uh gonna be giving up alcohol for 100 days and Ian is one of the one of six support members um so uh share it out to all of the crew taking part in that you can see here on the screen we have another talk which is going to be next Monday at the same time the birth of ukg in Birmingham a more light-hearted conversation but just as deep for some of us as we talk about the uh emergence of the uh scene that we all knew and loved in the Second City and how we built up the UK Garage Sand uh Spencer good evening how are you he says thanks for this um as I say if you only caught the back end of it then it is available in full um it will be on my YouTube I will actually delete this video know from the official Inspire and be inspired page because I want to drive as much traffic as I can over to my YouTube if you aren’t subscribed as I say that it comes up on the screen as if by Magic uh please subscribe and when you subscribe there’s a little bell button if you click that Bell and click all then you will get an email notification every time we go live and it’ll either alert you to come and join us live and comment or you can uh just leave some comments for our guests okay James again thank you for staying to the end my friend thank you for your comments and I will leave it there lots of love lots of respects um and I will see you next Monday take care


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